The "better him then me" was a self prescribed medication I injected into my veins. This shit is real now and its make or break (the war). I would not let my self show how scared I was. I didn't want the guys to think I was weak. They might have lost trust in me and back then it was not the time for that to happened. The thing I feared most was that I didn't want the guys to think they could not rely on me. If they thought that about me then might as well be dead to them. All we had was each other.
Tommy's funeral broke the damn wide open. I cried like a little lost girl as if I were looking for my mom at the mall. By the time the C.O.'s vehicle got hit, I had no more tears to give. In the parking lot of the hospital my attitude was "get over it guys, it's fucking war people die." I was done, no more sorrow left for my body to show. At that time it was the only thing that made sense to me.
My perspective back then still what I have now, but today they are thoughtful. We all had our own personal war back then, I'm talking about the enemy from within. I'm sorry if I offended the guys with that remark. It got me through the war.
One may not beleave it but my eyes weep quit easily now. I like to blame the allergies I have but I know the real truth behind the sadness.
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I didn't understand it at the time but I do now. The terrible things that happened over there didn't effect me quite so deeply at the time as they did once we returned and I had time to process it. I still struggle with those events on a daily basis. Thank you Bosco for having the courage to write this and I will continue to read. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings.
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